If you find this blog offensive you need to get a life.

I am thinking of becoming a nudist. Other than a few legalities, frosty winter conditions and the hot summer sun in 6 months, I can’t see any problems with it and may give it a try. I just hate wearing clothes and there doesn’t seem to be any type of clothing that really works. Every article of clothing I have seems to be in the category of "just doesn’t fit any particular shape on the planet!" Why keep trying?

I don’t think I am a drastically weird-shaped person. I can’t remember a time when my clothes fit me well. Maybe I have always chosen the wrong type and maybe I should go seek the advice of an expert from the clothes-fitters union. I understand that Victoria’s Secret will fit customers for their line of apparel with amazing results for astounding prices but that is not exactly what I have in mind.

I know that elastic in very old slips will tend to give up the ghost and will only take up space in one’s very jumbled foundation-wear (using euphemisms to protect the innocent - me) drawer. Is a 35 year old slip too old? It just seems like when one purchases a classic black slip, it ought to be sufficient for the rest of one’s life.

Yesterday I had several visually up-front things to do in church, give a talk, conduct in a meeting, stand up and practice a solo in a choir rehearsal. I had chosen clothes I thought would look okay to be on display just in case someone looked directly at me, such as one of the people on the stand looking at the back of my clothes. I loved the line from Harry Potter III where Hermione says "Is that REALLY what my hair looks like from the back?"

I felt like I was classically dressed, my favorite mauve over-blouse that elicits compliments whenever I wear it, worn over a nice pleated black skirt which I had overhauled from a favorite dress I grew out of. I had sewn some sturdy elastic in the waist so it wouldn’t slip off. Instead it slips UP!

It seems that my clothes chronically slip up or down or sideways(not mentioning body parts for that one). I searched my jumbled foundations drawer for a knee length pair of black socks that haven’t got runs and worn elastic, but only came up with a pair of black socks that come up mid-calf, just a half inch lower than the bottom of the pleated skirt (might not look too good even for the people on the stand looking at my back) OR a desperation-use pair of off-black pantyhose which I hate!

I put on the pantyhose which seemed to fit more snugly across my chubby tummy than I remembered last and found my classic 35 year old black slip with its woosy elastic to use under the pleated black skirt which is a bit see-through/thin fabric. The pleats fold over each other so it makes double fabric. Unfortunately, the classic slip only reaches to my knees (more on that later) so there is a tacky see-through element halfway down the classy pleated skirt.

Well, between my pantyhose which slipped down over my chubby tummy and taking other foundational parts with it, my woosy slip with elastic that slipped down at annoying intervals toward my knees (two times I caught it before it actually hit the floor), the sturdy elastic of my skirt which slips UP over my chubby tummy to reside in an uncomfortable place where it is NOT supposed to reside, AND other straps which will remain nameless which slipped sideways, I was a mess, vowing never to wear that particular combination of wearing apparel again as long as I live. And I must put in my will that I will not allow that combination anywhere near my dead body.

I was tugging up and down and sideways as discreetly as possible all day until I got home and ripped everything off as fast as possible. At one point in choir practice, I stood up by myself to sing my solo, stepping on my skirt which was a down-going skirt instead of the up-going it had been doing all of the rest of the day, nearly embarrassing myself. That may have contributed to the second event of the woosy slip making it almost to my knees, headed to the floor. The day was a wardrobe-malfunction nightmare and I think becoming a nudist would solve all of those issues.